come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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