Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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