Did you just see the Batmobile???
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
