Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize