He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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