dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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