I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize