genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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