we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
