obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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