shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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