At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
