can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
