i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
they need to just BURY HIM!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
