Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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