we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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