i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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