All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
