Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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