if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
