How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
