I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
