I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
