I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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