I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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