you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize