I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
