he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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