She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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