and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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