And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
