I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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