he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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