party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
