apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
