so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
