paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
