I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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