i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
