Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
