Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
