thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
