i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize