grandma shit on top of the toilet
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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