Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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