we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
