I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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