Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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