i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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