I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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