I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
