Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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