About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
