i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
