Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
