honey bunches of taint.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
